AP U.S. History quotes from Dana Abizaid, 2001-2002

Mr. Abizaid taught AP United States History for two years at Malden Catholic. He's currently studying at a Russian university. Throughout last school year, inspired by Kevin C. McMaster's quote-taking skills, I tried my hand at transcribing some of the gold that Mr. Abizaid said on a daily basis. I saved nearly all of the quotes that I wrote (and believe me, these do not represent even one tenth of the great things that he said). In addition, working with my trusty Dell Inspiron 8100 and Justin Boudrow, the two of us managed to record for posterity some of Mr. Abizaid's funnier phrases and whatnot. While I could give these quotes by date, I will rather put them in a general chronological order, starting with September 2001.

I'm not going to deny that some of these aren't funny. For some of them, you just had to be there. For others, I'm putting them in simply because I wrote them down in the first place. So don't complain if something's not funny. And all quotes are by Mr. Abizaid unless otherwise specified. Unmarked lines of dialogue are Mr. Abizaid's lines.

Skip to fan-submitted quotes.

  1. "Once my job is gone, all restrictions are gone. I WILL get you."
  2. "You can feel the death in the air."
  3. "Maybe I didn't finish grading these..."
  4. "This is a school. There will be no fun."
  5. "I'm not retarded. Maybe some teachers are... I'm not."
  6. "What does ambiguous mean?"
    "Not clear." - Andrew Yaksic
    "Right. Not queer... I mean clear. Not clear."
  7. "See, I was thinking about equivocate..."
  8. "Chicanery... it's the history of our country, and it's still going on. Watch the news."
  9. "They'd make black people count the number of carbonated bubbles in a glass of Coke before they could vote."
  10. "Are you guys as excited as I am?"
  11. "That's a fun fact." - Andrew Yaksic
    "That's not a fun fact."
  12. "They probably kept themselves healthy until that point. Then they died."
  13. "They didn't attack old women. That wouldn't be proper."
  14. "No more asinine comments."
  15. "That's my job, Leo... can't I tell my students what my job is?"
  16. "I heard this story on NPR a few hours ago. A cheeseburger walks into a bar and sits down. Everyone's looking at him kinda funny... he says to the bartender, 'Can I get a beer?' And the bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food.'"
  17. "You look like you could knock a few people out... if you had to." (to AY)
  18. "And where do you suggest we deport these people to?"
    "...Canada." - Andrew Yaksic
  19. "He is stu-pid. He is ug-ly." - talking about things he said about deviant children while teaching in Kazakhstan
  20. "Other countries should genuflect before us. We are the greatest nation in the history of the world. If it's not in their interests, too bad... it's in American interests."
  21. "How old are you, Mr. Abizaid?" - Andrew Yaksic
    "29."
    "How old do you feel?" - Jon Mooney
    "14."
  22. "Yeah. A hug's nice, but some people need a kick in the butt."
  23. "Hugs, not drugs."
  24. "It's quite a ride... lots of dairy farms. LOTS."
  25. "What's tomorrow's bill about?" - Andrew Yaksic
    "Assassinations... it's Andy Silva's bill. We're doing James's bill next week."
    "What's it about?" - Andrew Yaksic
    "Homosexuals... equally controversial."
    "And soon we will combine them... homosexual assassins!" - James Paquette
    "Or assassinating homosexuals... you never know where these things end up."
  26. "If you know anything about cattle - which you probably don't..."
  27. "How did news spread? Instant messaging? No, the British would have seen that. They didn't use instant messaging."
  28. "Three... the mystical magical three..."
  29. "You'll see his boot. I suggest you go see him."
  30. "You'll be termed an imbecile if you act like that at Yale [Model Congress]."
  31. "Oh, thank you... wait a minute. YOU should be thanking ME... I thought you were somebody else."
  32. "I thought he was Mr. Bucchino... I would have changed my lesson plan COMPLETELY."
  33. "Whatever... it's a lot of miles..."
  34. "Wouldn't you like to have YOUR money in a Wildcat bank?"
  35. "For those of you enamored with latitude and longitude..."
  36. "It's like that episode of Beavis and Butthead where they stole the teacher's answer book... excellent. Excellent."
  37. "This is my little niche of the world... It's sad, really."
  38. "I have grander schemes..."
  39. "It's a probing question."
  40. "Women are temptresses."
  41. "John Hancock was pretty dumb." - Benny Leung
    "It's true."
  42. "My job is useless. History is useless."
  43. "Maybe Hatten got him some milk, because he's old."
  44. "Choirboys don't get into the KGB."
  45. "We forget that old people were young, virile... full of vinegar and other things."
  46. "All this Francis Scott Key, Star Spangled Banner, American flag, Rambo crap... it's not real."
  47. "That's sarcasm. Do you understand that?"
  48. "Here's all of history. Bad. Sucks. I knew that'd get a rise out of you. Sucks."
  49. "[Barry] Bonds hit 72 home runs. [Henry] Clay started a war."
  50. "I would get sinister glee out of that."
  51. "Al Gore didn't pull a Jackson. Jackson pulled a Jackson."
  52. "I could probably kick the crap out of this guy over here. I could kiss the baby. You smell bad but I don't care... Caesar stood up to his ankles in urine and feces and shook hands. People notice that kind of stuff."
  53. "Yeah, that's right. That's what he did."
  54. "If you leave milk in your trunk long enough, it'll get chunky and spoiled... it's not that kind of spoiled."
  55. "He's looking regal."
  56. "He didn't just fall off the turnip truck the other day... that's one from the 1920s. You people have never heard it before."
  57. "You have to be a communist to vote against the American System. That's right, there were communists in the 1830s. We'll hopefully get to them by the end of the period... no, we won't."
  58. "What's the rubric... that's right, I threw the word rubric in there... that's right... now when you go to college you can say rubric. I hate that word. That's right."
  59. "I was a little bit behind the 8-ball..."
  60. "Calhoun... the scoundrel..."
  61. "I know someone who did something sometime."
  62. "I'm the teacher. I could give you an F... even if you're passing."
  63. "What is this? Are you okay?" - when Leo wore a life vest to class
  64. "Yeah, I heard stories. They eat sheep's head."
  65. "I played basketball with [people from Kazakhstan]. They play like rugby. They just toss the ball. They made fun of me for shooting like this [jumps and takes mock shots]. They don't pass, either. They say, 'Pass the ball! Pass the ball! ...American.' "
  66. "[An American] child would be running around with his tongue in a light socket, interrupting adult conversations... I hate that, when children interrupt adult conversations."
  67. "I would cut my own piece of sheep's head and slip it under the pasta."
  68. "This is my niche now. Over there, I had a whole village."
  69. "Second graders would come up to me and say, 'Can you sign this?' and I'd say 'Of course.' ...superstar..."
  70. "Can I have some American women? I saw American woman. Tell her I love her. She never came back."
  71. "There were people just urinating on the side of the road..."
  72. "[in heavy Kazakh accent] Hey, America! Hey America!"
  73. "This morning I had to put myself into another man's shoes. Two men, in fact. Two men, four shoes."
  74. "I would probably beat them for the slightest infraction... publicly."
  75. "Breaking tools... yeah..."
  76. "Breaking tools - SABOTAGE..."
  77. "I'm an apologist for a lot of things. Slavery's not one of them."
  78. "The Second Great Awakening is MTV, professional wrestling, soap operas, and sports."
  79. "There were no Beatles in 1804, but there were preachers."
  80. "Sit up. I'm on a roll here and you're falling asleep."
  81. "That's right. People cared about stuff back then."
  82. "I wrote down some things that every American should know."
  83. "I know exactly where it is. You've gotta know where your Frederick Douglass pictures are. [flips through book] I don't know where it is."
  84. "Ahhh... ohhh..." - trying to start a point, then cut off by the bell
  85. "I made fun of New Jersey... I called it a hellhole and whatnot. Brother Hoey took umbrage to that."
    ...a bit of class time passes...
    "Martin Van Buren was the only good thing to ever come out of Albany."
    "My dad will take umbrage with Albany!" - Pete Carroll
    "[awkward pause] Okay. [continues class]"
  86. "Kindergarten means children's... garden."
  87. "What, you didn't know that? I can't believe you didn't know that."
  88. "Leo's going to grow up to be - and you'll meet these people - one of those people who pronounces foreign words in the language that they're from, and you'll wonder whether they're just trying to look smart. Then you'll know they're not smart at all. They're just like Alex Trebek."
  89. "Putting things in order... this is the most exciting part of the day. Putting things in order... what? Is that funny? So much in life is out of order, you should derive... satisfaction... from putting things back in order."
  90. "If I'm ever out from school, you can pretty well guess that I slipped into another dimension."
  91. "I did some time travel on Sunday... I ended up in Nazi Germany of all places... [says something incomprehensible in German] I just said that Olaf is my favorite rock musician... I don't know WHAT I'm saying."
  92. "If I start saying weird things, it's the effect of the time travel."
  93. "What's so funny, Yankee?"
  94. "There are many crackbrained cranks walking around today, as always. Many of them are masquerading as government officials."
  95. "If I ever have the chance, I'm going to do some dastardly deeds."
  96. "[Israeli Prime Minister Ariel] Sharon is a war criminal - the leader of the Israelis. You can quote me on that. [sips from coffee mug nonchalantly]"
  97. "Chill with blacks and old people."
  98. "Horace Mann... that's right. Bay Stater."
  99. "Who is the father of history? No, not Brother Hoey. I know some of you think he is. He's a great historian, but he's not the father of history."
  100. "I'm not up for the George Bancroft Award this year. I'd appreciate a few write-in votes from my students - even though I didn't write a book. I write a lot of letters to the editor, though. They never publish them anymore. I think they're compliing them and sending them to the FBI."
  101. "Three generations of imbeciles is enough."
  102. "It's shoddy... scholarship."
  103. "That's the point." - Justin Boudrow
    "That's not the point."
  104. "We did Harriet Tubman... we all got a laugh out of that."
  105. "A lot of people hear voices [in their heads]. It's not that funny."
  106. "Mohammed heard the voice of God and wrote the Qu'ran. It's not that unusual..."
  107. "Once you start telling people that your dog is talking to you, or your radio, then people will intercede and take you... somewhere."
  108. "She rips her top off and says, "Look at these! Ain't I a woman!" 13 kids. Great moment in American history... "Ain't I a woman." That's classic."
  109. "I love that word. Confluence."
  110. "This is Virginia... yes it is. Look, this is AP. Use your imagination... I don't believe in PowerPoint. Everyone has their style. Mine is the ancient Greek method of questions and answers. If I just threw up a PowerPoint presentation, it would be a bunch of fluff and you'd all fall asleep."
  111. "Please don't laugh. This is my craft."
  112. "I love this word... renegade."
  113. "It's not to scale. Get over it. This is New Hampshire up here."
  114. "What is his résumé? ...it's covered in blood."
  115. "That ruins my story."
  116. "There is no opposite opinion here."
  117. "Can you de-square that? Can you de-square 4?"
  118. "I got an F in algebra."
  119. "Why don't they just work and buy CDs and watch MTV? Isn't that what life is all about?"
  120. "I never met a companion more companionable than solitude."
  121. "When I was your age, all I thought about was girls, baseball, and lunch."
  122. "What is this freak doing, messing it up for the rest of us?"
  123. "He called pharaohs boobies... not the boobies you're thinking about. I always say that and everyone always picks up their heads when they hear about boobies. It's a natural reaction.... so I had a book that called the pharaohs boobies... I underlined all the good parts... I shouldn't be laughing like this. It blows my cover."
  124. "I want you to call me McGruff the Crime Dog in class." - Andrew Yaksic
    "I'll call you Andrew."
  125. "Political science is probably the most boring thing in the world for you. That's okay. Just know it for the test."
  126. "The whole kit and kaboodle... the whole shebang... the commander-in-chief-ship of the nation."
  127. "Sorry, I'm not in an 11th-grade grammar class."
  128. "I'll have to check with Yaksic on that one."
  129. "He was berated... if I can use that word."
  130. "They dueled and demanded satisfaction."
  131. "If you want to be politicians, you should be devious now so you're not far behind when you start out."
  132. "Automaton. Is that okay, Yaksic?"
  133. "Adroit. That was good."
  134. "Lincoln says, Hmm... I will have my vengeance. Okay, he might not have actually said that."
  135. "No compromise. Nope. Bad."
  136. "I love talking about MTV. I love MTV. Bill Clinton was on MTV. He's pretty ugly. You can't be ugly and be president... but Reagan had his Grecian-40 hair and he was president. People actually could pay attention back then... remember the Starr report? That thing was X-rated."
  137. "Whenever there's an election in Zambia, the next day there's always pictures of people throwing bricks at each other."
  138. "He said... many things."
  139. "I think your other name is Jack Ass." - quoting Lincoln about man named Jack Astor
  140. "It will be good for the court to see that you're a jackass." - still quoting Lincoln
  141. "30 minutes of homework is NOT how you beat the Soviets, Galante."
  142. "This is the greatest country in the history of the world you're looking at... right?"
  143. "April. The cruelest of all months... and you thought you only learned history in here."
  144. "I need to talk about the border states."
  145. "Remember Fort Sumpner." - he should say 'Sumter' but never does
  146. "I HOPE God is on our side, but we NEED Kentucky."
  147. "You're one of the best hay-balers in Germany. You should see these guys. They're strong."
  148. "Don't laugh."
  149. "Did you see that? That was good."
  150. "This is deteriorating into a Vaudeville act."
  151. "I was gonna sack that rabbit, but it jumped at me, right at my jugular vein. The rabbit went over my head. I learned never to corner an animal... I was gonna sack that rabbit just like the Union thought they could sack the South."
  152. "What would it mean if I said that Lee had eviscerated his oath?"
    "He shredded hi---" -Andrew Yaksic
    "Shred. He shred... right?"
    "No, he shredded." - Andrew Yaksic
    "Ooh. We'll have to check that out."
  153. "This... [holds up piece of chalk] is the Chinese guy in Tiananman Square."
  154. "When we get to General Hooker, things will get interesting... ooh, interest has picked up!"
  155. "You'll never forget General Hooker."
  156. "Don't shoot things at me. I will have to retaliate. I will drop burning jelly on you."
    "...fair enough." - Joe Caporale
    "Not napalm. Maybe Concord Grape jelly. I'll heat it up in the microwave and dump it on your head. It's not dangerous, it's not dangerous." - on Mr. Abizaid's last day, Doug, Leo, and I bought Mr. Abizaid Concord Grape jelly, matches, and rubber gloves because of this indelible quote
  157. "Some people think before they vote."
  158. "No, that's cold cuts."
  159. "We're so distant from our food."
  160. "Oh, you laugh. It's funny. Sometimes you have to laugh, Cassidy, otherwise you'd go crazy."
  161. "Impregnable. It cannot be... pregnated. It's a great word."
  162. "Have you been to Appomattox Courthouse, Thomas? Did you live there? [laughter breaks out] People live in places, as you know."
  163. "Well, you're an exception, then, Joe."
    "Thank you." - Joe Caporale
    [uproarious laughter ensues]
    "That's a good thing."
  164. "But if you - an enterprising young student - want to do it, good."
  165. "[The Civil War] has been a big chess match, only with a lot more death."
  166. "Lincoln didn't say 'old school'."
  167. "That's even less interesting... if it were your birthday, it still wouldn't have been interesting, but it's your brother's birthday? That's even less interesting. What if every time I showed you a date, I told you a relative who was born on that day? 'Yeah, yeah, my niece was born on that day.' You guys would think I was crazy, delirious."
  168. "Meat grinder! I've said it ten times already! Grant threw the men into the meat grinder. You think hamburger just comes from Stop and Shop? You have no idea."
  169. "They would throw whole men into meat grinders and hamburger would come out. That's the image I have."
  170. "Interesting historical note: Hookers are called that because they hung out with Hooker." - Evan Cassidy
    "I didn't tell you the story? Well, Evan, you're just reiterating it. Where did you learn that?"
    "From my girlfriend." - Evan Cassidy
    "Is she in AP US History? What are they on?"
    "World War One..." - Evan Cassidy
    "World War One! World War One! What? That's crazy! They're way behind."
    "Yeah, the teacher just throws around an anecdote now and then." - Evan Cassidy
    "Do you two sometimes compare notes? [laughter intensifies] What? I want to know what other teachers are doing! ...pfft... World War One... they're not getting fives [on the AP exam]. You're getting fives."
  171. "There's been an issue challenged... there's been a challenge issued. Where does she go to school?"
    "Paramus Catholic." - Evan Cassidy
    "Where's that?"
    "............New Jersey." - Evan Cassidy
    [uproarious laughter ensues]
    "Well, they're not getting fives, that's all I can tell you. We'll count 'em up in July. No fives for them."
  172. "What kept the South fighting?"
    "They were fighing for their way of life." - Andrew Yaksic
    "No. .....yes. Yes, they were."
  173. "What did Lincoln say?"
    "Old world!" - Justin Boudrow
    "No... does anybody know what Lincoln said?"
    [nobody knows]
    "He said old world."
    "I just said that!" - Justin Boudrow
    "Did you? I'm sorry, sometimes I get a little delirious up here."
  174. "Your family? Maybe starved to death, or dead."
  175. "That's... salting the wound."
  176. "Marlon Brando gets to be fat and ugly. His son's a killer criminal. No one's hanging up pictures of Marlon Brando on their dorm wall. It's James Dean because he died when he was 24. And that's why people debate whether Lincoln was the greatest president ever. He was cut down in his youth."
  177. "Leo sometimes makes attempts at humor that don't correspond to his intelligence. Sorry, Leo."
  178. "Let's talk about Johnson. We're flying. Bullet train, straight to 2002."
  179. "Hey Johnson! You're dumb! Your wife taught you how to read! And then, Johnson would say [mumbles incoherently]."
  180. "I have a question!" - Chris DeVits
    "No, we're moving."
  181. "The first person to sit down was killed! I'm not saying that we're headed that way."
  182. "I'm sure there are some FBI informants in here... plants."
  183. "He didn't have his gun with him, so we argued."
  184. "I told him that one day, I'll be put against a wall and shot. He told me not to say too much."
  185. "You snooze, you lose. I snoozed."
  186. "Yeah, it should be one page, because I ripped the other one."
  187. "Someone stole my Public Enemy tape."
  188. "You guys are looking at me funny. Is my fly down?"
  189. "You know, I can shave this off. You're stuck with that face forever." - to Andrew Yaksic
  190. "Well, here she's got her cans."
    [entire class laughs VERY loudly]
    [Abizaid cracks up, realizes his innuendo, laughs]
    "...actually, they're jars. Let's call them what they are."
  191. "Yaksic.... you're on a roll today."
  192. "A History of the United States." - Andrew Yaksic
    "Yeeeeeesssss! I'm impressed!"
    "I'm not impressed." - Dave Blaser
    "Okay, Blaser. What's it going to take to impress you? He just got an obscure answer from 1834 that nobody else in the room knew... what's it going to take to impress you?"
  193. "A baby boom is a boom in babies."
  194. "An economic boom is a boom in the economy... as you well know."
  195. "It's not as bad as the Bataan Death March."

Fan-submitted quotes

  1. "What's everybody laughing about?"
    "You have a fly on your stomach." - student
    "Yes, yes I do. I will leave it there." (submitted by Paul Kavanaugh)
  2. "How do you know so much about genetic engineering, Blaser?"
    "He's German." - Justin Boudrow
    [laughter erupts]
    "That's not funny." (submitted by Justin Boudrow)
  3. "Czechoslovakia... we all know this country has no right to exist." (submitted by Joe Marcella)
  4. "But Mr. Abizaid--" - Dan Rubin
    "Oh, but Mr. Abizaid! Rubin, stop trying to steal my thunder or I'll send you to guidance."
    "But Mr. Abizaid, if the Germans had tried to go into Russia during the spring and summer, the Russians probably still would have won." - Dan Rubin
    "Rubin, go to guidance." (submitted by Dan Rubin)
  5. "What is the eagle holding in its hand?"
    "A margarita." - Justin Boudrow
    (class laughs)
    "That's not funny. Gravallese, do you know what the eagle's holding in its hand."
    "I don't know. Some kind of bush." - Steve Gravallese
    (class laughs)
    "Some kind of bush... that's representative of a typical American student." (submitted by Justin Boudrow)
  6. "Ned, I don't know much, but I do know this... freedom is better than a sharp stick in your eye." (submitted by Ned Hosic)

All new submissions from Eren İsvan:

  1. "Just came from push-ups on the field."
    "Push-ups?"
    "I'm training."
    "What for?"
    "You know what for? For the end of the world, that's what."
  2. "You do your homework, I'll do push-ups for the class. You don't do your homework, I'll do push-ups and look at you while I suffer, to make you feel guilt."
  3. "Let's talk about George Washington. He was 50 feet tall, shot laser beams out of his eyes, he could fly and stop bullets with his mind."
  4. "Now let's talk about communism. You guys communist? If so, leave."
  5. "Thousands dead in Afghanistan, no one cares. Thousands of dead puppies, tragedy."

If you have an Abizaid quote you'd like to submit, please click here.